Response:

Please forgive me for taking so long to get back to you. You have some very good questions which require thoughtful answers. My responses may not be as in-depth as you hoped for, but I trust they will be helpful. Your original questions are included at the bottom of the page.

You are right in noting the importance of marriage vows; it would not be taking it too far to say that they are sacred, whether or not God is invited to the wedding. Whether vows are spoken in private, in a church, temple, or mosque - God is everywhere present and marriage vows are always in His presence.

It is not quite correct to say, as in your letter, that vows "are binding forever 'til either partner dies or remarries." Death and adultery are the two forces which may be used as justification for the release of a person from the vows taken. However, perhaps you have noticed that there are many people who choose to be faithful to their vows even when there is apparent justification for their release.

Your question is a bit unclear when you ask about the relationship of vows as applied to believers or unbelievers. In God's eyes, vows are vows are vows are vows. The difference between a believer and unbeliever is that the believer has an awareness of God's grace to enable him or her to be faithful to the vows, even when the temptation to forsake them is strong.

Allow me to clarify the understanding about covenants and vows. Covenants can be between people, or between God and people, as seen throughout the Scripture. However, covenants are not made between equals, but between a "superior" and an "inferior". The "superior", out of his superiority has the right to set the terms of the agreement, and the "inferior" has only the right to accept or reject the terms of the agreement. With this definition, it is not proper to see marriage as a covenant, as marriage is an agreement between equals, and both parties have something to say about the terms of the relationship. It occurs to me that one of the reasons there are so many marriage problems is that men and women do not enter into it with this understanding. Most men seem to believe that they are the "superior", and their "woman" is the "inferior". On that basis, men think they have the right to name the terms of the marriage relationship, and out the windows goes the hope for partnership and a life giving and life enhancing relationship.

In the same way, vows can be made toward God or toward people. A vow is simply a binding promise one unilaterally makes. I call it "unilateral" because a vow is made with no view toward a pay back - "the left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing", so to speak. Again, it is a lack of understanding about vows that has broken up many marriages. Many people, when making their vow, are really saying - "I'll keep my vow as long as you keep yours, or until the time when I no longer feel that I am getting out of this marriage what is due me. In so doing, they have turned the marriage vow into a low level conditional promise." This type of arrangement may well be classified even below that of a business deal because most of the time in marriages, the conditions are not spelled out. In some cases they are kept secret, but most of the time they are unconscious expectations, placed there by the modeling of the family of origin, or planted there by the culture at large. A true vow, on the other hand, makes a commitment that does not look for release based on what the other person has or has not done.

The closing question, regarding a vow becoming a curse, can only be prompted by the passage in Ecclesiastes where it is stated that if a person does not keep a vow, it would be better not to have made one at all. Someone might think that this means there is a punishment waiting to be inflicted upon the vow breaker, and therefore that person will be worse off for having broken the promise. However, I think that the intent of that verse is simply to point out the seriousness of vow making, urging us not to take this matter (as it says in the wedding vow) "lightheartedly, nor unadvisedly, but in the fear of God." Recently, when I mailed out an "Email Circular" about "Enduring Marriages," one reader wrote back saying that these people "were fortunate enough to marry the right person." In my thinking, marrying the right person is not a result of good fortune, but of careful, prayerful decision making under wise counsel. Too many people have received their marriage license with mush less preparation than what went into getting their driver's license!

You have also asked if a person marries someone who has been divorced, are they committing adultery? My answer may surprise you - no, not if they are forgiven. Due to the fact that there is only one "unpardonable sin", and divorce is not it, we can confidently say, that the promise given in I John 1:9 applies. If a person has broken his or her marriage vow, and if they confess it as sin and ask for God's forgiveness, they will be forgiven, and perhaps will be free to remarry. I say "perhaps" because there still needs to be a discernment of God's will in that particular situation.

Because your questions were framed in a general manner, that is, without specific and personal references, my answers have also been general. To be more specific would require more detailed information concerning the situation you evidently have in mind.

May the Lord grant wisdom.