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The Price Was Too High
God spoke to Adam and said He could make him a woman, as wife.
"What would this woman be like?" Adam asked.
Because there were no other people around God had to take illustrations from nature to describe her and said something like this:
"She would be more beautiful than a sunset, mountains reflecting on water, and the shimmering colors of a peacock's tail all wrapped up in one. She would have skin as soft as a petal. She would be as playful as a kitten and as faithful as a dog. She would work like a beaver yet still be as gentle as a dove. Her laughter would be like the babbling brook and she would sing like a nightingale. She would be in fact be the perfect companion and always make you happy."
Adam asked, "What would such a woman cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
"Oh," said Adam, "That's too much! What would I get for a rib?"
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How Many Wives?
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed the he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
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Go Figure!
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when
the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the
back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not
complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When
I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare
the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed
on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She
carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the
receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call
the local township administrative office to request the removal
of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: many deer
were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She
asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He
said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport
employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage
without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge,
how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly,
"That's why we ask."
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the
street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker
of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I
explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red.
She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving
the company due to downsizing, our manager spoke up and
said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often."
Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other
like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
I worked with an individual who plugged her power strip back
into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her
system would not turn on.
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership
to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally
locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic
working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched
from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle
and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the
technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man.- "I
already got that side."
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It's Nuts Talking
A business man was eating from a bag of peanuts on a late night flight to Chicago Everyone around him was sleeping when he suddenly a voice spoke to him. "You sure are a handsome fellow." He nervously looked around to see where the voice might have come from.
Just then the flight attendant came down the aisle, and noticed that the man looked upset. "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"I don't know, I think I must be going crazy, I just heard a voice, but everyone around me is sleeping."
"What did the voice say?"
"Something about me being a handsome fellow."
"Oh, that's the peanuts. They're complimentary."
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Incorrect Response!
A Sunday School teacher wanted to elicit the word
HALLELUJAH from her class so asked
"What is it people shout out with joy in our church?
A bright young thing yelled out BINGO!!!!!
Submitted by Jack Sammons
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Two Men on an Island
Two men crashed in their private plane on a South Pacific Island. Both survived. One of the men brushed himself off and then proceeded to run all over the island to see if they had any chance of survival. When he returned, he rushed up to the other man and screamed, "This island is uninhabited, there is no food, there is no water. We are going to die!"
The other man leaned back against the fuselage of the wrecked plane, folded his arms and responded, " No we're not. I make over $100,000 a week.
The first man grabbed his friend and shook him. "Listen, we are on an uninhabited island. There is no food, no water. We are going to die!"
The other man, unruffled, again responded. "No I make over $100,000 a week."
Mystified, the first man, taken aback with such an answer again repeated, "For the last time, I'm telling you we are doomed. There is NO one else on this island. There is NO food. There is NO water. We are, I
repeat, we ARE going to die."
Still unfazed, the first man looked the other in the eyes and said, "Don't make me say this again. I make over $100,000 per week. I tithe 10%. My pastor WILL find us!"
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Don't Mess With The Wife
A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead
of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with
the boys and spent his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was
confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly
two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him,
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three
days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same
results.
On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he
could see her out of the corner of his left eye.
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The Gold Phone
It seems that a man decided to write a book about the most beautiful church in each
of the 50 states. He did all of his research, came up with a list of 50 churches and hit
the road.
When he visited the first church on the list, he noticed a gold telephone in one
corner and, just above it, a sign that read: $2500.00 PER CALL.
He was curious about how one phone call could be that expensive and asked a
woman who worked there.
"You see," she replied, "that's a direct line to heaven."
He then headed to the next state and entered the second church on his list. Again,
he found a gold phone in one corner and, just above it, a sign that read: $2500.00
PER CALL.
Surprised by this strange coincidence, he approached the custodian and inquired
about the gold phone.
"Oh, yes," replied the custodian, "that goes straight to heaven."
As it turned out, the man traveled through all of the next 47 cities and in each
church, there was a gold phone with a sign that read: $2500.00 PER CALL.
Finally, he arrived at his last stop-Wichita. There, too, he found a gold phone but
instead of $2500, the sign said: 25 CENTS PER CALL.
Confused, he asked the minister why it cost just 25 cents there when it was $2500
everywhere else.
The minister looked at him with a knowing grin and answered, "You're in Wichita
now… it's a local call."
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Anniversary?
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, “I bet you don’t know what day this is?”
“Of course I do,” he indignantly answered, going out the door on the way to work.
At 10 AM, the woman’s doorbell rang, and when she opened her door, she was handed a box containing a
dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped two pound box of her favorite chocolates
arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home. “First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then
the dress!” she explained. “I’ve never had a more wonderful ‘Arbor Day’ in all my life!”
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The Atheist and the Groceries
There was an old lady who would come out every morning on the steps of her front porch, raise her arms to the sky, and shout, "Praise the Lord!"
One day an atheist moved into the house next door. Over time, he became irritated at the little old lady. So every morning he would step out onto his front porch and yell after her, "There is no Lord!" Time passed with the two of them carrying on that way every day.
Then one morning in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted, "Praise the Lord! Lord, I have no food and I am starving. Please provide for me, oh Lord!"
The next morning, she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there. "Praise the Lord!" she cried out. "He has provided groceries for me!"
The atheist jumped out of the hedges and shouted, "There is no Lord. I bought those groceries!"
The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted, "Praise the Lord! He has provided me with groceries and He made the devil pay for them!"
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The Hunter and 911
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing. His eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What do I do?"
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "Okay, now what?"
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Repeat, Repeat
The husband told his wife that they just found out that women use twice as many words in a day than
men.
She replied" that's because we have to repeat everything we say" to which he replied: "What?"
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New York Bagel
The somewhat arrogant New Yorker walked into the store and asked, "Got any bagels here?"
"Why, you from New York or something?" asked the clerk.
"What is that supposed to mean? I suppose if I asked for sausage you'd think I was Italian? Or if I asked for herring you'd think I was Swedish?"
"No," said the clerk, "But you are at Home Depot."
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Preacher's Kid
A PK died and arrived at the Pearly Gates, where he was greeted by St. Peter.
"Welcome!" he said. "Because we are currently operating at 99% capacity, we can only let a limited number of souls into heaven. Therefore, you must answer my questions correctly to gain entrance."
"Okay," said the PK.
"Here's your question: name two days of the week that begin with the letter T."
"That's easy. Today and tomorrow!"
"Well, that's not the answer I was thinking of, but I'll give you another question. How many seconds are there in a year?"
"That's easy. Twelve!"
"Twelve?"
"January second, February second, March second. . . ."
"Okay, okay. I can see you misunderstood that question as well. Well, Okay. I'll give you one more chance. What's God's name?"
"That's easy, Howard!"
"Howard?"
"You know - 'Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...'"
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The Texan and the College Grad
Texan: "Where are you from?"
Harvard grad: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
Texan: "OK -- where are you from, stupid?"
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Homer - His Dog and His Teacher
The young lad, Homer, reminded his father, "You promised that if did all my chores for a month I could have a dog."
You're right, his father said. "Today we'll go to the dog pound and you can have any dog you choose."
At the pound, Homer passed by all the fine pedigreed dogs and pressed on to the rear of the pound where he spotted a small mongrel, but one which wagged his tail with delight as the lad approached.
"That's the dog I want," exclaimed Homer. "But that's the smallest, ugliest dog in the pound," cautioned his father.
Yes, said Homer, "but it's the one with the happy ending."
Homer seemed very sad as he walked into school one morning. His teacher asked, "Is something wrong, Homer? You look sad today."
"Well," Homer muttered, my little dog had its tail cut off by my father's lawn mower."
"Oh my, that's terrible. That must have seriously affected his carriage," said the teacher as she patted Homer on the shoulder.
"I don't know about his carriage," answered Homer, "but I do know it stopped his waggin'"
When Homer came to school on Monday morning the teacher said, "Homer, you didn't wash your face very well. I can tell what you had for breakfast."
"What do you think I had for breakfast," tested Homer.
"Scrambled eggs."
"No, you're wrong," said Homer. "I had scrambled eggs on Saturday."
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They Say What They Hear
A four-year old boy asked his mother if his friend, a five year old girl could spend the night.
The mother agreed, but soon after she arrived the two children began to fight, so the mother stepped in and insisted they apologize to each other and make up.
When the little boy refused, his friend said, "Well, I guess this means I have to sleep on the couch!"
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The Best We Could
Old man Fielding, the miser, at last went to his reward and presented himself at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted him with appropriate solemnity and escorted him to his new abode. Walking past numerous elegant mansions finally they arrived at a dilapidated shack at the end of the street.
Fielding, much taken aback, began, "Why am I left with a rundown shack when all of these others have fine mansions?"
"Well, sir," replied St. Peter, "we did the best we could with the money you sent us ..."
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Thirsty Preacher
The new preacher, at this first service, had a pitcher of water and a glass on the pulpit. As he preached, he drank until the pitcher of water was completely gone.
After the service, someone asked an old woman of the church, "How did you like the new pastor?"
"Fine," she said, "but he's the first windmill I ever saw that was run by water."
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A Baptist Dog?
A Baptist couple felt it important to own an equally Baptist pet,
so they went shopping. At a
kennel specializing in Baptist dogs, they found one they liked a
lot.
When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did so in a flash.
When they instructed him to
look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with
incredible dexterity.
Impressed, they purchased the animal and went home.
That night, they had friends over. They were so proud of their
new Baptist dog and his skills
that they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends
were impressed and asked
whether the dog could do any of the usual dog tricks as well.
This stopped the couple cold, as
they hadn't even thought of normal dog tricks.
"Well," they said, "let's try it out." Once more they called the
dog in and they clearly
pronounced the command, "Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's
forehead, closed his eyes in
concentration, and bowed his head. It was then that the couple
realized they'd been deceived
and defrauded.
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