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A Child's Prayer
Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a whiule he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.
His mother was pleased. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave," she waid, "He will help you."
"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," replied Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."
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How to Tell A Bear
The park ranger was explaining to a group of hikers precautions they should take in case they would meet up with a bear. "If it is a black bear, you can easily out-run it. But the best defense against the grizzly is to wear little bells and carry a can of pepper spray."
"How do you know if there are bears around?" asked one hiker. The ranger replied,
"You can see their droppings of manure."
The hiker pressed on with his questions, "But what's the difference between manure from black bears and grizzlies?"
"That's easy. The black bear's manure has small bones and balls of fur. The grizzly's manure has small bells and smells like pepper spray."
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Man Was First
It's obvious that God made man first, then woman.
Man is like a rough draft, woman is the finished copy.
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The John is Gone
Did you hear that all of the toilets were stolen from the police department?
It was a difficult case because the detectives didn't have anything to go on.
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Last Bowl
A man went into a diner and ordered a bowl of chili.
"We just sold our last bowl," the waitress said.
The man looked across to the other end of the counter and saw a man sitting there with a bowl of chili, but he wasn't eating it. So the first man went over and said, "I see you're not eating your chili, would you let me have it? They told me you got the last bowl."
"Sure," the second man replied. So he took the bowl back to his seat and began eating when his spoon hit a dead rat near the bottom of the bowl.
The man immediately vomited everything back into the bowl.
The man at the other end of the counter said, "That's funny. That's about as far as I got before I threw up."
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Philadelphia Bees
Late in the month of April, two honey bees met high over Philadelphia. The first bee complained loudly and long about what a terrible time he was having collecting nectar. "There's been no rain, it's so dry that flowers aren't blooming and the apple blossoms haven't begun to come open."
"I'll tell you what to do," said the second bee. "Go on over to the north of town to the Jewish section. There's a bar mitzvah going on there, so there's plenty of flowers and fruit."
The two bees parted, but happened to meet later in the day. The second bee asked the first how it went.
"Oh it went great. There was plenty of flowers and fruit, just like you said there would be."
Then the second bee asked, "But what's that little round cloth on top of your head?"
"Oh, that's a Yamakah. I didn't want them to think I was a WASP."
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Apples and Cookies
Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, "Take only one: God is watching."
Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A boy wrote a note, "Take all you want: God is watching the apples."
by Georbe Noble
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Naughty Newborn
It was late at night and Heidi,
who was expecting her second child, was
home alone with her 3 year old
daughter, Katelyn. Heidi started to go into
labor and called 911.
Due to a power outage at the time, only one
paramedic was able to
respond to the call.
The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic
asked Katelyn to hold a
flashlight high over her mommy so he could see
while he helped deliver the
baby.
Very diligently, Katelyn did as
she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed,
and after a little while
Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his
feet, and spanked him on
his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked
Katelyn for her help, and asked the wide eyed 3
year old Katelyn what she
thought about what she had just witnessed.
Katelyn quickly responded,
"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first
place. Spank him
again."
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Sleeping Through the Sermon
I was
pastor of a small church in a rural community. Wilbur and his wife, Leah, attended every Sunday morning. Wilbur was a farmer, and whenever
he came into the house from the field and sat down, he would fall asleep.
It was such a habit that when he came into church and sat in the pew he
would also soon fall asleep. I discovered that some of the members
of the church were taking bets to see how long I could keep Wilbur awake
on Sunday mornings.
Wilbur's
wife was embarrassed by his behavior, especially when he began to snore.
She tried everything to keep her sleepy spouse awake. She complained
to him that she was getting calluses on her elbow from poking him in the
ribs in a futile attempt to keep him alert. One day while shopping
in the grocery store, she saw a small bottle of Limburger cheese.
Leah bought it and dropped it in her purse.
The
next Sunday morning I had just started the sermon when Wilbur began to
nod. When I finished the first point in my three-point sermon, I could see I was losing him. As I started the third point, Wilbur
began to snore. Quietly, Leah opened her purse, took out the bottle
of Limburger cheese and held it under her husband's nose. It worked.
Wilbur sat up straight and, in a voice that could be heard all over the
church, said, "Leah, will you please keep your feet on your own side of
the bed!"
by William Webber
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Subject Matter
A robber went into a bank, pointed a gun at the teller, and said, "Give me all your money, or you'll be geography!"
The teller said, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber snapped back, "Don't change the subject!"
by Tina Gunther
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New Restaurant
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went
out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend
it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the
name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the
one that is red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes," the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled,
"Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
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Bulking Up
My grand-daddy worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a young fella, and he used to tell me, when I was a little nipper, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the hard work of blacksmithing.
One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. As he told it, he would stand outside behind the wood shed, with a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out from his sides and hold them there as long as he could.
After awhile he tried 10-pound potato sacks, then 50-pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than two full minutes.
Then he started putting potatoes in the sacks.
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College Grad
A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate." the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how."
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WWJD?
Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?"
One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because, "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in
His Fury."
But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and
terrify them with your Storm."
Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long
blast."
Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda, but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's Gospel, in which Christ
tells the crowd, "I did not speak of my own Accord."
Meanwhile, David rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of David's Triumph is heard in the
hills."
Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land."
And, following the Master's lead, the apostles carpooled in a Honda: they were in one Accord.
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The Church Chain of Command
The Senior Pastor
He is faster than a speeding bullet, stronger than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, can walk on water and talks to God.
The Associate Pastor
He is almost as fast as a speeding bullet, is stronger than a switch engine, able to leap short buildings in a single bound, can walk on water, though his ankles get wet, and sometimes talks to God.
The Music Minister
He is faster than a speeding BB, is stronger than a Lionel (model) train, able to leap short buildings with a long running start, can walk on water, as long as it is frozen, and talks to God but often wonders if He hears.
The Youth Pastor
He is slower than a snail, trips over railroad tracks, walks into buildings, almost drowns in the bathtub and mumbles to himself.
The Church Secretary
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth, chews them up and uses them for staples, could stare a locomotive off its tracks, if a building gets in her way, she just knocks it off its foundation, parts the water to walk through on dry ground, and when God calls she asks who is calling and puts him on hold.
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Top 10 Reasons for Not Reading the Scripture
