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Pious Christian
Once there was a Christian, he had a pious look
His consecration was complete except his pocketbook.
He'd go to Church and give his dollar and meekly close his eyes,
So glad his weekly rent was paid for his mansion in the skies.
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How Can I Get There?
There's the story of the new Pastor in town who got turned around on his very first Sunday on the way to the new church
He stops the paperboy and gives him the street address and then adds "you know that's First Baptist Church."
The kid wants to help so he very politely says, "Oh sure, down three blocks,
make a right, 2 blocks make a left and it's in the next block on your right."
The preacher is moved by this kind of friendship to a newcomer like himself so he says,
"son, how'd you like me to tell you how you can get to Heaven?"
At this the kid laughs slightly and says, "How you gonna do that, you can't even find First Baptist?"
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Backward Christian Soldiers
Backward Christian Soldiers, Fleeing from the Fight
With The cross of Jesus nearly out of sight
Christ our rightful Master stands against the foe
But forward into battle we are loath to go
Like a mighty tortoise moves the church of God
Brothers we are treading where we've often trod
We are much divided many bodies we,
Having different doctrines not much charity
Backward Christian soldiers fleeing from the fight
With the cross of Jesus nearly out of sight!
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Mergers!
There has long been a rumor that W. R. Grace Co. was going to buy the
Fuller Brush Co. and Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale Business
Systems. This would result in the new mega-corporate entity known as ... "Hale
Mary Fuller Grace."
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A great number of years ago there was a proposed merger between
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers. Rumor had it that the new
company would be called Fairwell Honeychild.
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There is a merger in the works involving Polygraph Records, Warner Brothers,
and Keebler. It will be called ... Poly-Warner-Cracker.
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And don't forget the failed merger between Yahoo and Netscape which would
have brought us Net'n'yahoo....
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Attraction to Light!
In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor
in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to
assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a
lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm
doing."
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put
the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that
lantern, young man...It seems there's yet another one besides!"
cried the doctor.
The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the
doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
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Noah's Ark
Noah's Ark if it happened today:
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months
I'm going to make it rain until the whole Earth is covered with water
and all evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good
people,
and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding
you to
build an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the
specifications
for an Ark.
"Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the
blueprints.
"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd
better have
the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time."
Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall.
The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping....and
there
was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But
there were
big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark
construction project,
and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to
redraw the plans.
Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a
fire sprinkler
system. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by
building
the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning
commission." "Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark,
because
there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to
convince the
Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the owls, but they
wouldn't let me
catch any owls. So, no owls." "The carpenters formed a union and
went out on
strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor
Relations Board
before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have 16
carpenters on
board, and still no owls." "Then I started gathering up animals, and
got sued by
an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each
kind.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't
complete the
Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed
flood. They
didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the
conduct of a
Supreme Being. Then the Army Corp of Engineers wanted a map of the
new
flood plain. I sent them a globe." "Right now, I'm trying to
resolve a complaint
from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many
Croatians
I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm
trying to
avoid taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the
state about
owing them some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish
the Ark for at
least another 5 years."
Then the sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A
rainbow arched
across the sky. Noah looked up, "You mean you're not going to destroy
the
earth?" he asked hopefully.
"No," the Lord said sadly. "The government already has."
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Church Staff Job Descriptions
Pastor
Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policies to God.
Associate Pastor
Is able to leap short buildings in a single bound.
Is as powerful as a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if the sea is calm.
Talks with God.
Minister of Education
Leaps short buildings with a running start.
Is faster than a speeding BB.
Walks on water if he knows where the stumps are.
Talks with God if special request is approved.
Minister of Music
Clears a Quonset house.
Loses races with a locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God.
Minister of Youth
Runs into small buildings.
Recognizes locomotives 2 out of 3 times.
Uses a squirt gun.
Knows how to us the water fountain.
Mumbles to himself.
Church Secretary
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the track.
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth.
Freezes water with a single glance.
When God speaks, she says, "May I ask who is calling?"
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Florida Vacation
A FRIEND IS A RATHER OLD FASHIONED LADY, ALWAYS QUITE DELICATE AND ELEGANT, ESPECIALLY IN HER LANGUAGE. SHE AND HER HUSBAND WERE PLANNING A WEEK'S VACATION IN FLORIDA, SO SHE WROTE TO A PARTICULAR CAMPGROUND AND ASKED FOR A RESERVATION.
SHE WANTED TO MAKE SURE THE CAMPGROUND WAS FULLY EQUIPPED, BUT DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO ASK ABOUT THE TOILET FACILITIES. SHE JUST COULDN'T BRING HERSELF TO WRITE THE WORD "TOILET" IN HER LETTER. AFTER MUCH DELIBERATION SHE FINALLY CAME UP WITH THE OLD FASHIONED "BATHROOM COMMODE". BUT WHEN SHE WROTE THAT DOWN, SHE STILL THOUGHT SHE WAS BEING TOO FORWARD, SO SHE STARTED ALL OVER AGAIN, REWROTE THE WHOLE LETTER AND REFERRED TO THE BATHROOM COMMODE MERELY AS THE "B.C.". "DOES THE CAMPGROUND HAVE ITS OWN B.C.?" IS WHAT SHE WROTE.
WELL, THE CAMPGROUND OWNER WASN'T OLD FASHIONED AT ALL, AND WHEN HE GOT THE LETTER, HE JUST COULDN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT THE WOMAN WAS TALKING ABOUT. THAT B.C. BUSINESS REALLY STUMPED HIM.
AFTER WORRYING ABOUT IT FOR A WHILE, HE SHOWED THE LETTER TO SEVERAL CAMPERS, BUT THEY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT THE LADY MEANT EITHER. SO, THE CAMPGROUND OWNER, FINALLY COMING TO THE CONCLUSION THAT THE LADY MUST BE ASKING ABOUT THE LOCATION OF THE LOCAL BAPTIST CHURCH, SAT DOWN AND WROTE THE FOLLOWING REPLY:
"DEAR MADAM, I REGRET VERY MUCH THE DELAY IN ANSWERING YOUR LETTER, BUT I NOW TAKE THE PLEASURE OF INFORMING YOU THAT A "B.C." IS LOCATED NINE MILES NORTH OF THE CAMPGROUND AND IS CAPABLE OF SEATING 250 PEOPLE AT ONE TIME. I ADMIT IT IS QUITE A DISTANCE AWAY IF YOU ARE IN THE HABIT OF GOING REGULARLY, BUT NO DOUBT YOU WILL BE PLEASED TO KNOW THAT A GREAT NUMBER OF PEOPLE TAKE THEIR LUNCHES ALONG AND MAKE A DAY OF IT. THEY USUALLY ARRIVE EARLY AND STAY LATE.
THE LAST TIME MY WIFE AND I WENT WAS SIX YEARS AGO, AND IT WAS SO CROWDED WE HAD TO STAND UP THE WHOLE TIME WE WERE THERE.
IT MAY INTEREST YOU TO KNOW THAT RIGHT NOW, THERE IS A SUPPER PLANNED TO RAISE MONEY TO BUY MORE SEATS. THEY'RE GOING TO HOLD IT IN THE BASEMENT OF THE "B.C."
I WOULD LIKE TO SAY IT PAINS ME VERY MUCH NOT TO BE ABLE TO GO MORE REGULARLY, BUT IT SURELY IS NO LACK OF DESIRE ON MY PART. AS WE GROW OLDER IT SEEMS TO BE MORE OF AN EFFORT, PARTICULARLY IN COLD WEATHER.
IF YOU DECIDE TO COME DOWN TO OUR CAMPGROUND, PERHAPS I COULD GO WITH YOU THE FIRST TIME YOU GO, SIT WITH YOU, AND INTRODUCE YOU TO ALL THE OTHER FOLKS. REMEMBER, THIS IS A FRIENDLY COMMUNITY.
SIGNED, THE CAMPGROUND DIRECTOR
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A Little Bible Study Prophets Everyone
The following are some insights young Sunday school students turned in to their teachers:
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.
Noah's wife was Joan of Ark.
Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the 10 Commandments.
The Seventh Commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery."
Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibels.
The Epistles were the wives of the Apostles.
Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
Parables mean there is more than one bull.
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Telling Jokes
A new inmate was assigned to the cell block. It was his first time in jail, and there was many things about it he didn't understand. The most curious of all was that in the evenings, after the supper meal when all the inmates returned to their cells, they began to call out numbers. From down the block one would yell out "Number 18!" Everyone up and down the cell block began to laugh hilariously. Another called out, "Number 32". And again laughter. Finally, after this had gone on for a while, the new inmate called over the the man in the next cell, "What's going one here." "Simple," came the reply. "These same jokes have been told so many times we decided to assign numbers to them so we don't have to tell them all over, but still get the enjoyment the jokes bring. After thinking baout this for a few minutes, the new inmate decided to take part. "Number 18!" he yelled. But to his disappointment there was silence up and down the cell block. "Number 32!" he tried again. Still silence. Frustrated the inmate called to the inmate in the next cell, "How come when someone else calles out the number, everyone laughs, but when I do it, no one laughs?" "That's easy - some people just don't know how to tell a joke!"
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Dictionary for Parents
This list is a dictionary of terms for parents:
BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 a.m. too.
DEFENSE: what you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de children play outside.
DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.
DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who thnk your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do
everything we say.
LOOK OUT: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.
PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.
WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughtly into "get a sponge."
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God's Answering Machine
I have learned to live with the answering machine as a
necessary part of modernization. But I have often wondered
- What if God decided to install an automated answering
machine?
Imagine praying and hearing this - "Thank you for calling
My Father's House. Please select one of the following four
options: Press 1 for requests. Press 2 for a
thanksgiving. Press 3 for complaints. For all other
inquiries, press 4.
What if God used the familiar excuse: "All the Angels are
helping other customers right now. Please stay on the
line. Your call will be answered in the order it was
received."
Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses as you
call on God in prayer? "If you'd like to speak with
Gabriel, press 1. For Michael, press 2. For any other
Angel, press 3." "If you'd like King David to sing a psalm
for you, press 6." To find out if your relative is here,
enter his/her date of death and listen for the list that
follows." For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs,
the age of the earth, and where Noah's ark is, wait 'till
you get here!" "Our computers show that you have called
once today already. Please hang up immediately." "This
office is closed for the weekend. Please call again
Monday."
THANK GOD YOU CAN'T CALL HIM TOO OFTEN! YOU ONLY NEED TO
RING ONCE, AND GOD HEARS YOU. BECAUSE OF JESUS, YOU NEVER
GET A BUSY SIGNAL. GOD TAKES EACH CALL AND KNOW EACH
CALLER PERSONALLY.
"Then you will call and the Lord will answer; you will cry
for help, and He will say: Here am I." Isaiah 58:9 NTV
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Rejected State Mottos
Alabama: At Least We're Not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: It's Dehyd-rific!
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: Don't Ski? Don't Bother.
Connecticut: Land Of The Stuffy White People
Delaware: Somewhere In There Kinda Near Virginia
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" In Fundamentalist
Hawaii: Mainlanders Are Scum -- But We Love Your Money
Idaho: Potatoes And...Well...That's About It.
Illinois: Gateway To Iowa
Indiana: The "Woody From 'Cheers'" State
Iowa: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Ad
Campaign
Maine: Really Cheap Lobster
Maryland: The Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Lower Taxes Than Sweden (Most Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: For Sale
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: The Unabomber State
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores And Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: I Got Yer $%#@! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Yeah, But It's A DRY Heat...
New York: Whadda YOU Lookin' At?
North Carolina: Thank You For Smoking
North Dakota: Um...We've Got... Um...Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur
Bones!
Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland
Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl. It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Hey Y'all..Watch This!
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Dollywood State
Texas: Belt Buckles As Big As Your Head
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Come See The Flannel!
Washington, DC: Where YOU Can Be Mayor!
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming: Wynot?
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