A Bit of Humor
by Dr. Neil Chadwick
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Page 25 of 25
A 5 year old looked up to her grandfather and asked,
"Did God make you?"
"Yes," the grandfather replied.
"Did God make me?" she wanted to know.
"Yes, God made you too," he said.
"Well, it seems God is doing better work lately."
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1. Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?
2. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
3. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
4. Why do we say something is "out of whack"? What IS a whack? How do you get in one?
5. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
6. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
7. Why do tugboats PUSH barges?
8. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
9. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
10. Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
11. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
12. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
13. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
14. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
15. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
16. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
17. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
18. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
19. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
20. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
21. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
22. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
23. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
24. Why do we drive on “parkways” and park on “driveways”?
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One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost." God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!" But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam." The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"
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A man gave his son a scolding so the boy decided to run away. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and announced, "I'm running away from home!" The father decided to handle the matter calmly. "What if you get hungry?" he said. "Then I'll come home and eat!" the boy said bravely. "And what if you run out of money?" "I'll come home and get some!" readily replied the child. The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?" "Then I'll come home and let Mommy wash them," was the reply. The man shook his head, "Are you running away from home or are you going off to college?"
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Feeling footloose and frisky, a feather-brained fellow forced his fond father to fork over the family finances. He flew far to foreign fields and frittered his fortune feasting fabulously with faithless friends. Finally facing famine and fleeced by his fellows in folly, he found himself a feed-flinger in a filthy farmyard. Fairly famished he fain would have filled his frame with the foraged foods of the fodder fragments left by the filthy farmyard creatures. “Fooey”, he said, “My father's flunkies fare far fancier,” the frazzled fugitive found feverishly, frankly facing facts. Frustrated by failure and filled with foreboding he forthwith fled to his family. Falling at his father's feet, he floundered forlornly. “Father, I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited family favour.” But the faithful father, forestalling further flinching frantically flagged the flunkies. “Fetch forth the finest fatling and fix a feast.” But the fugitive's fault-finding frater frowned on the fickle forgiveness of the former folderol. His fury flashed. But fussing was futile, for the far-sighted father figured, such filial fidelity is fine, but what forbids fervent festivity? The fugitive is found! "Unfurl the flags, with fanfares flaring! Let fun and frolic freely flow!" "Former failure is forgotten, folly is forsaken! And forgiveness forms the foundation for future fortitude."
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A young minister sitting down to dinner was about to say Grace when he opened the casserole dish that his thrifty bride had prepared from all of the refrigerator leftovers. "I don't know," he said dubiously, "but it seems to me that I've blessed all this stuff before."
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"I want to die before my wife. The reason is: If it is true that when you die, your soul goes up to judgment, I don't want my wife up there ahead of me to tell them things." --Bill Cosby
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We are like the guy who wrote to the Internal Revenue Service, "Dear Sir, I have received your brochure concerning your income tax service. It seems to me that you are asking too much money for the services you offer, so I don't think I'll participate at this time. Please remove my name from your mailing list."
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"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," little Joshua said to
his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best Christmas present I ever got."
"That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?"
"Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week
not to play it at night."
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"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "Three other companies after me."
"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"
"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."
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One minister wrote in his weekly column in the church newsletter that he was setting goals for the new year. One of his goals was to clean up his desk.
Another of his goals was to find last year's goals.
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Charles Steinmetz was the retired engineer of GE company. A few years later, the machinery of GE broke down. Nobody could detect the fault. Charles was asked to come back and help. After looking at al the machinery, he marked a cross on one of the machineries. When the team of engineers opened it, they detected the fault. Everything returned back to normal. GE received a bill of US $10,000. The company was ignored by the bill and asked him to itemize it.
- Making one cross mark $ 1.00
- Knowing where to put it $9,999.00
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A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue.
Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him.
He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered.
"When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
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I heard about a lady who was speeding and an officer pulled her to the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt on, so as soon as she stopped she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.
After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"
"Yes, I do, officer," she replied.
"Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?"
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Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived
in Eden?
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
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The young son of a Baptist minister was in church one morning when he saw
for the first time baptism by immersion. He was greatly interested in it,
and the next morning proceeded to baptize... you guessed it... his three
cats in the bathtub.
The youngest kitten bore it very well, and so did the younger cat, but the
old family tom cat rebelled.
The old feline struggled with the boy, clawed and tore his skin, and finally
got away. With considerable effort the boy caught the old tom again and
proceeded with the "ceremony."
But the cat acted worse than ever, clawing and spitting, and scratching the
boy's face.
Finally, after barely getting the cat splattered with water, he dropped him
on the floor in disgust and said:
"Fine, be a Methodist if you want to!"
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One Sunday morning when my son, David, was about 5, we were attending a church in our community. It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible.
This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector.
My child immediately raised his hand and said, "It means Daddy's cooking dinner."
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One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. So the proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.
Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn't stop crying.
Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.
After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.
When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.
"Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs a change."
The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!"
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There were three country churches in a small Texas town:
The Presbyterian church, the Lutheran church and the Catholic church.
Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
The Catholic group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creations. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the Lutherans who were able to come up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.
Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
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A bossy businessman learned the hard way after ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees. But the head nurse stood up to him.
One morning she entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry,” the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!" She left the door to his room open on her way out. He complained under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing.
After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
"Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation."
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