It was late Wednesday morning when Pastor Jim Wilson slipped out of the private entrance of his office and the rear church doors, and hastily walked through the 200 car parking lot. The fenced-in drainage field was dry, only being soggy when heavy rains washed the asphalt. Reaching the far side, Pastor Wilson paced back and forth among the grove of bare oak trees, shuffling with his feet the leaves which a few months earlier had sheltered church picnickers from the baking sun. However, now was not a time for frolic.
Four days earlier, Pastor Wilson had returned from an exceptionally successful missions trip, conducting five Pastors' Seminars for hundreds of Christian leaders on a far away continent. But now he felt like Elijah after the great victory of Mount Carmel - cast into depths of despair: "I have exhausted myself while endeavoring to fulfill Your call, is this what I get in return? Is this my reward for faithful service?"
Just a few minutes earlier Jim had been on the phone with the head deacon. "At the board meeting last night a motion was passed requesting your resignation." This was a meeting Pastor Wilson had not attended because his body had succumbed to illness brought on, in part, by a demanding schedule during his mission trip.
Jim recalled having arrived back at the church at four P.M. on Saturday, after nearly 36 hours of travel. He had postponed his drive home for a few hours in order to look in on the special program offered to the families of the church as a substitute for the traditional Halloween "trick or treat". But on Sunday morning, fatigue took its revenge, and moments before arriving at the church, Jim had become dizzy and nauseous. Staggering to his office, he remained lying there through his men's Spiritual Growth Class, and most of the morning worship service. For the final 15 minutes Pastor Wilson joined the congregation to close the service with a call to prayer, and to minister to those who gathered at the altar.
In the lobby, where his wife had positioned a chair near the church's front doors, Pastor Wilson sat and greeted the people as they left the building. It was then that the deacon chairman approached. "We need to talk", he said. Thinking that perhaps the deacon wanted to make an appointment, Jim inquired, "What did you have in mind?" "Well actually, the deacons would like to meet with you on Tuesday evening to discuss your resignation." It suddenly became clear to Pastor Wilson why no deacon had come to greet him. Even the one he thought to be his most loyal supporter had noticeably avoided him. "I don't know how I could possibly be strong enough to deal with this so soon," Jim responded. "I had hoped to be able to take two days off to recuperate from my trip, and I made that decision before I became ill." The deacon left. Pastor Wilson continued greeting the people, had lunch with the visiting musical team, and rested in his office before making preparations to preach for the evening service.
When the chairman called on Tuesday afternoon to say that a tentative time had been set for an evening meeting, he was informed by Jim's wife that the Pastor was too ill to attend the meeting, but that he would call the chairman the next morning.
After pacing through the woods, Pastor Wilson found a rear walkway which led him into a maze of unrecognized suburban streets. Cedar Heights was a somewhat congested, but well kept suburb, providing bedrooms for a nearby city. The lawns were well groomed; plastic barrels dutifully guarded freshly sealed driveways, and neatly piled windrows of leaves impatiently awaited their turn at the annual foliage pick up. The reasons these streets were unfamiliar to Pastor Wilson was that his was a regional church serving over 50 towns. A member had described it as "a commuter church, not a community church". Recognizing the power lines that would lead him back to the wooded area behind the parking lot, Jim found his way back to the church, just in time to meet with his staff for their weekly meeting.
Sitting at the end of the table, Pastor Wilson recounted the events of the past few days. Immediately he could tell which members of his staff had already compromised their loyalty. At the other end of the table sat the Assistant Pastor who served as Business Administrator. This was the Assistant who had informed Pastor Wilson that the Deacon Board was utilizing his time away to convene frequent investigative meetings; he and other staff members had been called in, one by one, to answer questions concerning the Senior Pastor's performance. He remembered the late night phone call well. It came during the seminar on the east coast of Africa. The Assistant attempted to set Jim's mind at ease by saying that someone in the Bishop's office had given approval for these meetings, and that when he was through answering the deacons' questions, they said that they hadn't heard anything that they didn't know before. Jim would later learn that this statement was untrue, that there were several matters that this Assistant discussed with the deacons which Pastor Wilson had shared with his Assistant in the context of a private year-end evaluation session.
As the meeting continued, some staff members demonstrated that they were visibly shaken by Pastor Wilson's report, although he had let them know prior to his trip that his relationship with the deacons had become strained. To himself, Jim noted another member of his staff who remained strangely silent, rather out of character, he thought. She had formerly been the office secretary, much in the center of the church's life, and much in control. In order to capitalize on her strengths, Pastor Wilson had designed a new job for Nancy; "Ministries Coordinator" he called it, and had hired Joan Peters as his personal secretary. In part this change was made because he knew that Nancy would not likely change her primary loyalty from church to Pastor, and now it became clear that he had been right.
After a brief prayer, Pastor Wilson left the staff room, left his office, and left the building. In less than two weeks he would be forced to leave Cedar Heights church.
On his way out, Pastor Wilson met one of the deacons who handed him an envelope. In it was the resignation request, accompanied by a twelve page document - a copy of the deacons' list of grievances. These were addressed to the Bishop, for the deacons were requesting a formal investigation to be launched with the expectation that Pastor Wilson's ordination papers be revoked. That these accusations were catalogued came as no surprise, for he had been notified three days before leaving for Africa that a letter had been sent to the Bishop's Office. Pastor Wilson realized that what he held in his hand was the result of hard work, accomplished with an intensity comparable to his own fervent efforts during his mission trip, but having a drastically different intention. Pettiness competed with inaccuracy. "Certainly no one would take this faultfinding seriously," Jim told himself. Either he didn't understand, or was unwilling to believe, that the intensity of opposition was more like an obsession which would not be denied its goal - the quick dismissal and abrupt termination of his ministry in Cedar Heights.
That ministry had begun a brief three years earlier - years that were filled with hard but rewarding work: guiding a church with more than 40 different ministries, five Assistant Pastors and two Day Schools. And caring for the personal needs of the more than 200 people who had sought his counsel. Pastor Wilson's ministry at Cedar Heights had had a good start. Everyone seemed to be happy and hopeful. A new beginning for a troubled church; an ideal ministry opportunity for Pastor Wilson. All of his training and 25 years of experience had seemed perfectly suitable. "A match made in heaven," and no "shot-gun wedding" either. For a period of six months, consideration and prayer had continued before a decision was reached. When the "knot was tied," the prevailing attitude was that certainly God had ordained that this Pastor and this congregation should be together. The vision was for many years - anywhere from 7 to 12, Pastor Wilson had said - for he knew it would take that long to achieve lasting results, and he was willing to make the commitment. He also knew that it would not be easy to get past the two year pastoral revolving door that had become the trademark of this congregation. By God's Grace, for the good of the church, it would come to pass.
On Thursday Pastor Wilson began preparing an answer to the allegations that had been sent to the Bishop's staff. Time was limited, for on Monday he would travel with his wife and daughter to the annual retreat sponsored for the Pastors of his denomination. When he arrived he would submit his written responses. On Wednesday before leaving, he would sit for three hours with three officials to discuss each of the accusations, along with his explanations.
During the first retreat session, a message was given which hit home for Jim Wilson. "Genuine spiritual growth only takes place in the context of grief." Sitting quietly after the meeting closed, and with joyful reunions erupting all around him, Jim assented that certainly his present experience was characterized by grief, but not the same kind of grief spoken about in the presentation.
The after-lunch conference with the Bishop's staff seemed to be beneficial, and yielded no increase in anxiety for Pastor Wilson. "We find nothing here that would in any way jeopardize your standing with the denomination," they said. "We feel there were a couple of errors in judgment, but those are matters which are internal to the local church." Jim knew that this was primarily a reference to his missions trip.
The first of his three overseas trips took place the year before Pastor Wilson was called to pastor the Cedar Heights church. During the candidating week, he had shown a video of that trip, and made it clear that ministry abroad was part of his identity, part of his calling. No, he didn't feel called to be a career Missionary, just called to minister among his brethren in lands where Pastors coming together for teaching, prayer and fellowship represented a rare and coveted commodity. The second trip began on the day Pastor Wilson celebrated his first anniversary at Cedar Heights. This mission was a great success, uniting the church in prayer support as well as generous finances for scholarships so that 650 Pastors would have the opportunity of attending one of the scheduled leadership seminars. But when Jim began to feel the urge to make a third trip, he knew that enthusiasm would probably not be as high. The novelty had worn off, and he would have to work harder to bring the congregation to his side as partners in this venture.
First there were the invitations to prayer. Then came discussions with various leadership groups: Missions Committee, Pastor/Parish Committee, Deacons and Elders. Each group registered their support, although some individuals urged Pastor Wilson to take precautions for his health's sake, and asked him not to be away from the church too long. Some cautioned that preparations as well as recuperation after the trip could hinder Jim's fulfillment of pastoral duties. Others countered that the spiritual benefit to the church would far outweigh any loss experienced by the Pastor's involvement in this mission, and others pointed out that the Assistant Pastors could offer adequate ministry to meet any needs which would arise during his absence. After listening to the feedback from these various leaders, including the willingness of the deacons to pay his salary so he would not need to take vacation time for the trip, Pastor Wilson spent a few more weeks in prayer and consideration before announcing on Pentecost Sunday, that he planned to take this trip during two and a half weeks in October.
Now, after returning from this obviously successful ministry trip abroad, Pastor Wilson was being told by his denomination's leaders that it may have been poor judgment on his part not to have aborted his plans when he knew that problems were brewing. In a way they were right, for it was while Jim was busy on another continent, teaching and preaching 50 times in 18 days, that the deacons convened formerly and informally to catalogue his faults. They had worked hard and successfully to convince Pastor Wilson's remaining supporters of the rightness of their cause, so that by the time he returned, theirs was a boast of unanimity - certainly a sign of God's Will. The debate would rage in Jim's mind for months - what about the inner call, and the certainty that ministry to the "people beyond" was not optional? Perhaps he hadn't really heard from the Lord. It seemed that his supervisors didn't believe in Pastor Wilson's ability to hear, and with a forced resignation waving in his face, history appeared to be on their side.
Only two days remained for Jim to decide whether or not to submit his resignation to the church. He was certain God had called him to this church, and he believed that significant progress had been made; he was sure that his current problems would yield to the power of prayer and the persistence of cooler heads and hearts. A significant spiritual breakthrough was awaiting the outcome of his and the church's decision. Pastor Wilson decided to proceed according to the conviction that if the Lord was the One who had called him to Cedar Heights, Jim must also clearly hear the Lord calling him away from Cedar Heights. Diligently he prayed that if he was supposed to resign, God would confirm that his work was done and he could leave. But no answer came. After conferring with the church elders, men of God whose counsel he valued, and with a secure hope in his heart, Jim let the deacons' deadline pass, and braced himself to face the congregation's fickle decision. Would they be like the Jerusalem crowd? Would the cry change from "Hosanna" to "Crucify"? Pastor Wilson canceled the guest speaker planned for the Sunday Morning Worship, and prepared what would be his last sermon to a congregation of people he had come to love more deeply than he knew.
On the afternoon of the day he later named "Black Monday", Jim met with three colleagues, Pastors who offered to meet with him for prayer in preparation for the congregational meeting. Fervently they prayed for a defeat of whatever it was that seemed to keep coming against this church, causing a repeat performance of harmful pastoral terminations. They knew that Pastor Wilson was the fifth to serve this congregation in 10 years, and they refused to believe that this was anything less than a spiritual battle. They prayed the prayer of faith, but the next day these Pastors would be informed that the victory would have to wait for another "trip around the mountain".
That night Pastor Wilson, after being falsely accused and openly vilified, would lose the congregational vote by a slim margin of two votes, and the pulpit at Cedar Heights would again be declared vacant.
Early Tuesday morning the phone rang. Jim and his wife had wept until rescued by sleep at 3:00 A.M., but at 6:30 he was up, sitting alone in the living room. It was Tom, the first of many calls from distraught members who, like Jim Wilson, were in shock and despair over what had transpired the night before. The second call was from the Youth Pastor. "It's just not fair what they did", he angrily exclaimed. Jim asked how his wife was doing. "She says it's as though someone has died." Jim was quick with his reply, "To me it feels as though 500 people have died." It was at that moment that the full meaning of the word "grief" hit him. Later he would admit that never before, possibly even when his own sisters died - one from disease and one from an automobile accident - had Jim felt a comparable agony of grief. Like accidental death, this separation would be sudden and final. There would be no farewell message, no proper good-by. The feeling of loss was more than he could have predicted, and seemingly more than he could bear.
But there were those who would not be denied the opportunity for expressions of love and support. Phone calls, cards, letters, gifts of food, money, and even tulip bulbs. On Wednesday, which happened to be Jim's 49th birthday, friends who lived three hours away called to announce that they were coming to take Jim and his wife to dinner. Word spread. From great distances friends called to pledge their prayer support, others came to visit. Some spoke words of encouragement; others vented their anger; many rehearsed time worn clichés: "This was no surprise to God," "He certainly has something better in store for you," "This church was not worthy of you," "We'll be in prayer for you." Others spoke their outrage due to the illegal manner by which the congregational meeting was convened, or the shame of "belonging to a church that treats its Pastor in this manner." Then followed days upon days with early morning awakenings and "replaying the tapes," redesigning the responses, redefining the failures - all of it washed in tears during the 30 days of mourning that Jim had allowed for himself.
Before "Black Monday," Jim had consoled himself with the thought that either way the decision would go, he would be a free man - free to lead, or free from the heavy burden of his current problems. But now, after it was over, he discovered that in this too he had been wrong. Admitting the depth of his feelings, Pastor Wilson contacted a counselor to help him work on the management of his grief, hurt, anger, rejection, shame, failure; and the overwhelming sense of responsibility for the harm done to the Body of Christ.
When the 30 days for mourning had ended, Jim declared it finished. He would now "turn the corner," "put it all behind him," "get on with his life." But it didn't happen easily. Anger toward the Bishop and his staff was hard to let go, and Jim did not feel free to address those areas where he had felt neglected or wronged. He feared that whatever chances remained for ministry placement would be killed if he were to be honest with his feelings toward his overseers. To a friend he confided, "For 27 years I have been faithful to this denomination, and I never asked for anything until now. What's the use of belonging to a denomination when the support isn't there when you need it?" He hadn't believed it when he had been told by a member of the Bishop's staff, "Pastors are dispensable." Now he feared it was true, and he was the one who had been dispensed. Jim also struggled with his anger toward his former Assistant who had been disloyal and dishonest, collaborating with the deacons in their successful "coup." Then there were all the people who had formerly expressed loving support and affirmation for his ministry, but who had turned against him as the result of unfounded rumor, or who had failed to stand by or defend their Pastor. He found that the deacons who had spoken against him were the easiest to forgive, for certainly they had either acted in ignorance, or had been deceived by the "father of lies."
Sundays were most depressing. Jim tried to be faithful, attending a church service each week, but avoiding assemblies in his own denomination for fear he would be spotted and singled out. Each week it would feel the same: not fitting in; having painful memories revived; feeling that the services he attended were bland and meaningless. Jim's wife put it into words for both of them, "I'm tired of sitting and crying among strangers every week."
Thanksgiving came and went. Christmas came and went. Family and friends came and went. One of the hardest tasks was when it came time for Jim to communicate with his parents what had taken place. He knew they would be distressed, he feared they too would feel the injury, or perhaps even express disappointment in his apparent failure.
Quickly also came the New Year, and Jim determined to acknowledge, by faith, that the calendar change would represent a new beginning. By the time the rest of the world silenced their celebrations, and by sheer grit, Jim had completed the first draft of his resume. This was in spite of the fact that he still lacked the inner confidence that the future held a promise. The Book of Job would continue to be a faithful companion, especially after his house was broken into and thousands of dollars worth of goods stolen.
Jim wanted to believe the saying he had heard himself repeat to his mother while trying to relieve her anxiety, "You can't keep a good man down." He couldn't remember who had said it to him, and he seriously questioned his identity as a "good man". But while he had not been successful at avoiding an involuntary termination, he would, by the Grace of the Lord, succeed at keeping his setback in perspective - a brief "white water" turbulence that would end, eventually yield to calmer sailing, and bring him into new territory with fresh vision and vitality. There had been no bridge to provide passage over the troubled waters, but Pastor Jim Wilson would reaffirm his faith in a Lord who would grant whatever abilities he would need to maneuver through them. With meager hope in his heart he looked around him, and noticed that those who manned the boats ahead of him were reaching back to give him a hand, and he in turn would reach behind to help those who followed. In the process, Jim discovered that although, for him, the Institution had proved to be dysfunctional, the true Body of Christ was nevertheless well. There was just enough faith to believe that in time he would be provided with the healing virtue of His Lord.
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