A true story by Evgeny Shagin
Tract translation by Kerby Rials
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In the entryway of my brother’s apartment building I decided to end my life
by committing suicide. Taking my belt, I hung it over the radiator, and then around
my neck. I sat and told myself that suicide is not that hard, and gathered my
courage. I was not very drunk, but I was in complete despair. And suddenly
within myself I heard a voice, "Well and good, you are going to do this, but what
will happen to your mother?" I knew that when she saw all this, she wouldn’t be
able to take it and she would die. I cried, removed the belt and left.
There were a lot of sins in my life. I drank very heavily. My wife and I loved
each other, but we fought a lot. We were unable to give an inch to each other. My
wife was afraid of having a child with a drunk, and so she had an abortion, after
which there were so complications and the doctors said that she would never have
any more children. I adopted my wife’s daughter from a previous relationship,
raising her from the time she was one year old, but my mother-in-law told her that I
was not her real father. She treated me differently after that. This was almost more
than I could take, but I was always against divorce.
I was very guilt-ridden over my alcoholism. When I was drunk, I lost my
reason, and I didn’t remember where I went or what I did. When I sobered up I
was horrified at what I had done.
Of course, my wife was afraid of me when I was like that. She said I was
cursed.
In 1995 my wife and I separated. I already was pretty much convinced that we
couldn’t live together. She already had arranged her life so that she didn’t need
anyone.
Then I started having problems at work. The company I worked for closed
down. I was left with nothing. I began to drink even more heavily and even began
to smoke hashish. My friends were common bums. I lived with a family of crooks
in the country.
At that time I had already put a tombstone on my life, and planned on joining
them, but my mother called me from Yaroslavl and I asked her for enough money
to return home. I was very surprised that they somehow got the money and sent it
to me.
I understand now that this was the mercy of God that I could go to Yaroslavl
from Novosibirsk. When Mama saw me -- a bum -- she was horrified.
In Yaroslavl began to drink again, because I was trying to meet women, but I
was convinced that no one needed someone like me. A few times, completely
drunk, I went to my brother’s apartment. After that he asked me not to visit him
anymore. I already had no relationship with my father, and my mother was sick with
asthma, and due to her constant worries, she had attacks continually.
My relationships at work also were destroyed. I felt myself absolutely unneeded,
and thought my life was already over, even though I was only 36 years old.
It was at that time that I heard the voice telling me not to kill myself.
In about a month I had met a young woman. She was a believer, and spoke to me
about Jesus Christ. I listened, even though I didn’t understand it very much,
because I also considered myself a believer and wore a cross.
I simply liked this woman and her character. She didn’t push me to go to church,
and didn’t lecture me. I asked Nadia to marry me. But she refused me, saying, "I
cant marry you until you become a Christian." For three days I was deeply
offended and angry, thinking that once again they had tossed me away like trash. I
couldn’t understand why everything was falling apart again. In my heart something
told me to return to Nadia and listen to what she was telling me. I clearly saw two
paths: one when I was about to hang myself in the entryway, and the other to go
with Nadia. Within three days I decided that being with Nadia didn’t require me to
go to church, and perhaps, I could even convince Nadia to quit going to church.
I went to see her, and she was very happy to see me, but I convinced her that it
didn’t mean anything. One day she was getting ready to go to church, and said if I
didn’t mind, I could go with her. I went to church. Much of it was amazing to me,
but I liked the people I met at church.
I went there two more times. The third time during the call to repentance I
literally felt like two people were fighting inside me. One said that this was my
chance, and the other said to wait a little more. Nadia didn’t say anything to me,
and I decided to go forward for repentance. Everyone congratulated me.
I still don’t understand what happened, but literally within the week I quit
cussing, stopped smoking, and began to read the New Testament a lot. Everyone
was amazed, but I said that I was the same man that I was, only that God had done
a lot for me. Soon I got a new job, one which I would never have expected,
working at an oil company. At the same time I completed a course on the Bible at
church.
Nadia and I got married, and we had a son named Daniel. When the nurse
brought our baby to me, I prayed over him, dedicating him to the service of God.
I have the desire to dedicate my life to the Lord, so that other people, who have
been beaten down by the world, can also know that it is possible to live differently.
Maybe you also have thought about suicide or even planned on how to kill yourself. Stop, and listen to what Jesus says in John 10:10: "The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy. I am come that you may have life and have it abundantly." God wants you to have a happy life, but to have it you must turn from sin and begin to follow God’s way. This is called repentance. Jesus in Luke 13:3 said, "Unless you repent, you will also perish." Will you choose from this moment to follow Jesus? If so, you can pray this prayer: "Father in heaven, I confess that I am a sinner. Forgive me! Make me the kind of person that you want me to be. I believe that Jesus died for my sins and rose again, and I make him the Lord of my life right now. Thank you for forgiving me and changing me! In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen." If you prayed that prayer sincerely, then God has already forgiven your sins! In 1 John 1:9 it says, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness." In order to keep from falling back into sin, you need to continue to grow spiritually. For that you need to pray and read the Bible daily, and worship God together with other Christians. God will help you.  - - Return to Top of this Page  - Email a Link to this Page
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