A Letter by Dr. Neil Chadwick
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Dear Pastor: Can you give me some advice? I told my husband not to drink any alcohol in the house, because our children see it and it's not good for their future. Consequently, he drinks at the club every day after he finishes his work. He always comes home late at night and doesn't have time with us, and we don't get together to have dinner either. The kids ask me, "Where is Dad?" or "When is he coming home?" I have no answer for that, because I have the same question. I am just waiting for the Lord to answer. However, I am thinking, "What is my life? Sure I can give up my marriage, but I have two children, 13 and 9 years old. It would not be easy for me to make it on my own." In my hurt, I love the Lord so much, I want to go to church every Sunday night, Wednesday night, and Ladies Bible Study, but I can't go, because of my husband. (He said to me, "Why don't you marry the Pastor? For you church is more important than family.") It is on and on, and I have nothing to say to him; I just pray. Now I can only go to church every Sunday morning. I look forward to talk with someone, but there is no one in my life. I cry out to the Lord every day and night in my hurt. I try my best. I am still going to school for my GED high school diploma. My writing is not good, but I wish you can understand. Thank you so much for your help. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Dear Friend: Your letter touched me very deeply, and I wanted to write back immediately. However, last week I was more busy than normal, and besides, I wanted to give some time for a careful and prayerful response. First, understand that you are not alone with the problem you shared in your letter. Sadly, there are many Christian wives who have the same dilemna, caught between wanting to be faithful to the Lord and at the same time wanting to honor their marriage relationship and their husband. It is good that you continue to pray the "prayer of faith" concerning this problem. Ask the Lord to help you have a vision for what your marriage will become. While you have to be honest about the true condition of your present situation, you do not want to get stuck only thinking about how awful it is; you also want to have eyes to see what it can become by the Grace of God. So your first prayer is for yourself. Then pray for your husband. But your prayer is not for God to change him, but rather that God will forgive him, heal him, and bless him abundantly. It may feel strange to pray that way, but only as your husband's deep inner needs are met by the Lord, only then will he begin to get free from the "felt" need of having to go to the beer bottle and wine glass. Diligently turn all of your angry thoughts into prayers for God to minister to your husband by the Holy Spirit. However, understanding that you are not alone, and praying earnestly for your husband is not all there is to do. You must also speak truth to your husband. When your children ask their questions, go to your husband and simply report to him what they have said. Without any anger in your voice, simply ask him, "What answer would you like me to give to them?" Then wait for his answer. Don't say anything else, and don't badger him for an answer; he probably won't give you one, so let it go. Later, when one of your children asks the question again, report it again to your husband. You are simply speaking truth. You must also do this with your own feelings; speak the truth about them to your husband. If you are disappointed that there are so few meals you have together as a family, say it just that way, "It is very disappointing to me that we have so few meals together as a family." Speak the words simply, "matter-of-factly", with no display of anger, just with sadness. If you are feeling lonely because you and your husband do very little together, speak it truthfully, "I just need you to know that I am really lonely and miss having time together with you." Of course your husband may react to these statements and try to excuse himself, pass the blame, or put you down for having said these things. There's no need to argue about them, but neither should you be silent. Don't argue back, but say the same thing again later when you are genuinely feeling that way. You must believe that the truth will finally penetrate, although at first most men will try to reject it. Now concerning your church attendance - again, speak the truth. When your husband says you should marry the Pastor, simply say, "I have no desire to do that - I'm already married, and besides, the reason I go to church is to worship the Lord and receive instruction from His Word." Should you go only on Sunday morning? I would say you should not stay home on Sunday night unless your husband agrees to spend that time together in a family activity where you, and he, and the children are all involved. (Just being at home with eveyone "doing their own thing" doesn't qualify for "family time.") And no, you should not stay away from the Ladies' Bible Study. The only reason you might stay away is if, let's say, the Bible Study is on Tuesday morning, and your husband has Tuesday mornings off from work and will have breakfast with you at home or in a restaurant after the boys have gone to school. Furthermore, you should make sure that your boys are at church for what ever ministry programs are provided for their age group, whether it be Sunday School, Christian Scouting Program, or Youth Group for your teenager. On this you should stand very firm, clearly letting your husband know, without raising your voice or arguing, that you must answer to God for the spiritual development of your children. Unfortunately, by now they may already have turned away from the Lord and the church. Most children, especially boys, watch their Dad, and if he's not interested, they won't be either. However, God can give you a loving influence with your children so that they may be willing to go to church and Christian activites because they understand how important it is for you and how much you love them. So, be careful not to allow these circumstances to bury you - you are not alone, and by the strength of the Lord, you will make it through these difficult days. Continue in prayer, speak truth faithfully to your husband, and commit yourself to be in church unless there is a direct conflict with an activity in which all members of your family are participating. We will continue in prayer with you. Sincerely, Pastor Neil Chadwick
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