By Jim Sparks
1. It has been, for centuries, the Sunday dinner pass-time of choice. otherwise known as "Roast Pastor". Too often people prefer to complain rather than solve the problems. 2. Men and women make mistakes, so there's always something to talk about. 3. Complaints often come in response to life's stresses. 4. In the church, people care deeply. Unfortunately this often means that they want everything to remain the same. 5. For some, criticisms come as a result of the "pursuit of closeness". Some parishioners want to be close to their Pastor but don't know how. 6. The consumer mentality is all around us. We live in a service oriented society where people have expectations that their own needs and wants will be fulfilled. When There Is Criticism of the Pastor, remember: 2. Criticism expresses unmet needs rather than failure of the Pastor.
3. Responding to criticism should be a shared ministry.
4. We should practice in church what is done in business - take complaints seriously.
5. Never give or receive an unsigned criticism.
6. When handling indirect criticism ("This isn't just my complaint, I've heard several
people say this"), understand that the person coming with the complaint is really
coming with their own message. Listen, but do not ask who the others are. Ask for
clarification, seek understanding, and soon the person will let you know what is their
own, real complaint.
1. Avoidance - but this will only result in an increase in the behavior. Usually, chronic complainers do not feel they are a part, and are searching for self-esteem. 2. Confrontation - "It seems that every time I hear from you, I hear a complaint." 3. Love the person. When working with parishioners, Pastors should remember: 2. Misunderstandings and irritations happen.
3. We may not be able to choose reactions, but we can always choose responses.
4. The Pastor is the key to attempting resolution when there has been a
confrontation.
Here's a sample criticism between a member and Program Director for a service club. This club of about 60 meets weekly, and the members take turns providing a program. Bob: Hey Nancy, what in the world's the matter with this organization? Why can't you get your act straight? Why don't you give members any notice about when they're supposed to do their programs? Two days ago I get a post card telling me it's my turn. A post card! Two days! Every week I come and support the club, don't you think I could get a phone call so I could have at least a week to get something together? And you know, I'm not the only one who's upset about this! No wonder we're always getting such lame programs, most of the time there isn't a program at all, and when there is there's no microphone provided, you can't hardly hear what the guy's saying - and then they don't have sense to quit on time. This is the pits. Nancy: What can I say? I don't like the way things are going either. I'm sorry. Now here's a better way for this exchange to take place: Bob: Hi Nancy. Say, I just got this post card notice about my Rotary program, do you have a minute to talk about it? Nancy: Of course, what's the problem? Bob: Well, the way I see it is this: members aren't getting adequate notice for when their program is supposed to be. In my case, by the time I looked at my mail, I only had two days to get a program together. Nancy: You're right, Bob, that really is a problem. Bob: Please understand, I'm not trying to make your job any harder, it's just that we only get to provide a program once a year, and, at least speaking for myself, I'd like to do a little better than just throw something together. Nancy: You have a very good point there. What do you think could be done? Bob: For starters, maybe the list could be published quarterly with a phone call reminder the week before. I don't know, I just think we'd all feel better about the programs if we could take care of this. Nancy: I tell you what. I'll bring it up at the next Board meeting and let you know how we're going to take care of this. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.
by Jim Sparks, Professor of Health and Human Issues at the University of Wisconsin- Madison If you do anything in your work or private life that impacts someone else, criticism is always possible, and likely. When criticism comes to you, do you view it as a failure or opportunity? It's not what you know that makes the difference in how you handle criticism and confrontations, but HOW you apply what you know. Most so called "conflicts" are not conflicts at all. Rather, they're complaints gone sour, resulting in emotional clashes by two otherwise reasonable people. Eruptions of a volatile emotional nature may be compared to the contemporary phenomenon, "Road Rage." Criticism often feels like a stab in the heart, or back. Criticism often puts self esteem and self confidence into a state of emergency, especially when the criticism is toward what we feel to be our areas of strength. It's impossible, or at least unwise to just "shrug it off", to declare "it's nothing." A quote by Henri Nowen: "I hardly remember what it was, but a small critical remark and a few irritations during my work in the bakery were enough to tumble me head over heels into a deep, morose mood. Many hostile feelings were triggered and a long sequence of morbid associations. I felt worse and worse about myself, my past, my work, and all the people who came to mind. But happily I saw myself tumbling and was amazed how little was needed to lose my peace of mind and to pull my whole world out of perspective. O how vulnerable I am!" A. Be a criticism manager, not a victim or a bully. The bully: feels threatened, blames others, needs to be right, prefers intimidation to
confronting the issues.
The manager: may feel threatened and off balance, practices good resolution skills,
prefers resolution of the issues rather than resentment or intimidation.
"I MANAGE CRITICISM WHEN MY . . .
. . . attitude is to look for opportunity.
. . . focus is on getting accurate information to the other person in a timely
manner.
. . . focus is on problem solving
. . . delivery is upbeat and constructive.
. . . When I've carefully prepared my delivery to communicate what I intend."
. . . I present criticism or complaint as the other person's failure.
. . . I distort information or withhold it for whatever reason.
. . . I'm only trying to find fault.
. . . I attack with explosive and hurtful anger.
. . . I shoot from the hip."
Put into practice the 70/30 rule - put 70% into self awareness - "what's going on in
me?" and 30% into awareness of the other party.
Managing confrontations requires that we not get caught up in the other person's
emotions. There are skills we can practice and apply.
Stay the course with self-talk messages: "This too shall pass", "I don't have to lose
control", "I need to be quiet".
Get some distance between you and the situation. The question is, "Do I want to
react or respond?" Reaction mostly comes out of instinct, without thinking, and with
anger or fear. On the other hand, to respond is to act out of choice. At least, I have a
choice to either say something or not. It's usually best to choose to keep quiet and
take the other person seriously.
Remember the "magic word" - When you hear criticism, think "Information." When
someone is unhappy with something, they are communicating information about you
or them.
2. Provide sympathy and concern,
"I can see that"
"I can see there's a problem here"
"That shouldn't have happened"
"You're right, this is a real problem"
"I can tell you've had a tough time"
"I can see why you're discouraged"
Ask, "What action is called for?"
Remember that "Why?" questions spoken in anger are really statements of
complaint. Don't respond to such questions, but try to draw the person out so
you can find out what the real need is.
5. Agree on a course of action
A customer or church member who gives a complaint is giving you a chance to make things right. Get
them to agree on a course of action.
6. Follow up - say what you will do and when you will do it.
7. Check back, if at all possible.
Stages of Defensiveness 2. Brooding, which produces self blame, obsession ("If only . . .") or fantasy (early
retirement, time to change jobs). Ask, "How did I feel after the incident?" "How did I
react physically?"
Recognize this is part of the grieving process. Remember that it may be o.k. to "zap"
the person in your mind, but don't do it in your actions. Engage in exercising and be
with a friend.
3. Recovery - what have I learned, and what would I do differently?
Ask: "Now that you can look back on the incident, how do I feel?" "Has there been
closure to the incident?"
"Is it easy for people to tell me things?"
"Do I reward people for telling the truth?"
If the answer to these questions is "yes", then ask:
"What should I keep on doing?"
"What should I do more of?"
"What should I do less of, or stop doing?"
Understand why it is easier to back off than to confront the problems.
Afraid of hurting the other person?
Afraid of your own feelings?
Need to be liked?
Afraid of losing your own emotional balance and lose control?
Afraid you don't have the skills?
Were taught to be nice?
Choose where, when and how I will give this criticism.
Plan your presentation by filling out the sheet "Giving Criticism: Plan Before You
Speak"
Empathy of Attitude, and
Honesty in Response.
If you need to give a criticism or complaint, this form might help you say what you intend. It's important to write down your response to each item so you can see it, reflect on it, and change it if necessary. Please use a pencil with an eraser or enter into a computer and copy. Name _____________________________________ Date _________ 1. The issue or problem as I see it: ____________________________ _________________________________________________________ 2. Recent example(s): ______________________________________ _________________________________________________________ 3. How this issue or problem affects me or the work setting: ______ _________________________________________________________ 4. What I want or need to be changed: _________________________ _________________________________________________________ 5. If I don't speak up, what will be the result: ____________________ _________________________________________________________ 6. Possible ways of approaching this issue: ____________________ a. ____________________________________________________ b. ____________________________________________________ c. ____________________________________________________ 7. Best time for this issue to be addressed: _____________________ 8. Proposed action and follow up: _____________________________ _________________________________________________________ 9. My back-up plan if the issue or problem remains unresolved: ____ _________________________________________________________ We've heard it many times: "The customer's always right." But what if the customer is not right and you can't satisfy the customer's needs or demands? When your customer makes impossible of unrealistic demands of you or your staff, they usually know it. But they're angry - probably feel they have been unfairly treated - and need to let off steam. Congratulations, you or your coworkers have been chosen. Remember also these angry customers will usually pick the most inconvenient time to deliver their anger - when the line at the counter is six deep, the phone's ringing, and you were about to take a rest room break. What to do? 1. More than any other time, keep your cool and let the customer vent his or her anger. 2. If you can invite the customer to a private place when both of you can be seated, this will help calm the anger. 3. Don't be too quick to say "no" or deny the demand. Time is on your side. 4. Don't appeal to "policies" or organizational "rules" to take you off the hook. If your having to say "no" is based on laws or ordinances (insurance, for example), say so as clearly and firmly as possible without scolding or arguing. You can say, "It's a decision of our board." 5. Try to educate the customer as to why your "No" means "No" - being aware that your customer may attempt to argue. 6. If your "N0" is the last word, say this up front and appeal to the customer's sense of fair play. Try saying, "I know this is not what you want to hear, and I hope you will accept the answer we have to give. 7. If there is someone in your organization who does have the final word, offer that as an alternative answer. This in no way diminishes your responsibility or authority. "You can say, "I can see that my answer is not satisfactory, you should see ___________." 8. Remember that a customer can threaten to take the matter to the legal system in a lawsuit. That's the customer's right, and you need not feel defensive or argumentative. Try saying to the customer, "Feeling as strongly as you do about this, taking legal action may be the best answer for you right now. If you have further questions, please let me know." 1. Verbal abusers who shout, rant, rave and call names are out of control. Don't join them. 2. If the attack is in public, put up your hand in a STOP signal and motion the individual to follow you to a private place. 3. Use repetitive verbal interventions to constructively redirect the individual's attention from his/her anger. Examples: "I can see how strongly you feel, is there another way we can talk about this?" "Shouting and name calling is not helpful. Let's talk about this in a different way." "I'm sure you don't mean to be rude. Now help me to more clearly understand the problem." 4. Last resort techniques: "I'm offended by your behavior. When you've gotten control of yourself, we'll talk again." And walk away. "I don't appreciate this . . . ." 5. Hot confrontations put mind, body, and spirit on full alert. 6. Reflect afterwards by writing down the other person's words and your own responses and interventions. What, if anything, could you have done differently? What esteem- saving tactics did you apply? (Not justifying, not breaking eye contact.) 7. Keep a record of abusive incidents. 8. After the heat has cooled, always follow through with the individual to put resolution or closure to the incident. When you take the initiative you strengthen your own self esteem.
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